Affected Anniversaries

Happy Anniversary Grandmary and Grumpa Max!

December 27th is not only Grandmary and Grumpa Max's anniversary, but it is also the anniversary of Grandma Ollie J's passing.

As has previously been alluded to in earlier posts, the last years of Ollie's life were impacted by the results of serious accident that she was in in 199X. Coming that close to death at that time, her extended family considered the last few years with her to be a gift.

Ollie's health never truly recovered. In addition to her usual susceptibility to colds and bronchitis, Ollie's physical capabilities were further diminished by age, ailments, and lack of oxygen saturation which affected her ability to live independently. Over the years, Grandmary had been making more frequent trips from CT to move her mother from Aunt Dorothy's house in UT, then back to NC to move her to The Trailer, and then to a rehabilitation center and then to a series of care facilities. The later moves were brought on because Ollie had been getting more and more confused and falling more frequently. Sadly, we were beginning to realize that it was only a matter of time until a final move.

The year had already seen one milestone with Grandma Roa passing over Easter weekend. As Thanksgiving and Christmas 2004 approached, there was an impending sense that something was in the wind.

To be completely morbid, I hadn't gone on any vacation for the previous few years without a set of funeral/church-appropriate clothing tucked into my suitcase. Both grandmothers' declines were slow, but everyone in the family knew that dramatic turns for the worse could/would happen at any moment. My employers knew of the situations so they weren't completely unaware that I might have to leave town and/or change plans at a moment's notice.

Christmas Break 2004 saw me heading up to the folks' house in CT for the holiday rather than traveling westward that year. Jed and Kelli stayed in Nevada as Drew was due in a few weeks and Jed had to work. For the first time since their honeymoon, J and Christina came in to town, to share in New England holiday. The usual rites and rituals of the season saw us running errands, talking to friends and neighbors, calling the family around the country, and opening presents. No one really made extensive plans away from the home base, beyond a very cold trip to Boston. We all hunkered in to be together until it was time to take J and Christina back to the airport the day after Christmas.

It was a fun, yet intense visit. Overlying all of the merriment, however, was a sense of sadness. Just before we kids came to town, Grandmary had just gotten back from a difficult NC trip, where she had to move Ollie yet again, and had to consult with doctors and caretakers, and she was tired and stressed about the situation.

As we all caught our breath in the days after Christmas, it was as if we were waiting for something to happen.

December 27, 2004 was Grandmary and Grumpa Max's 37th anniversary. Even if their children didn't make a big deal out of their anniversary, they would usually at least go out for a movie or dinner. That year, I don't even think they went out for a meal. Rental movies were secured, and an evening at home was on the schedule.

When the phone rang late in the evening, it was as if we knew that that was going to be "the call." The sound on the television was muted as Grandmary got up to take the call.

And then we got the news.

Ollie had lived a good long life, and at last, she had slipped away -- on her terms and on her time frame.

Perhaps, on some level, Ollie was aware of the date. Perhaps she knew that in time, Mom would be fine -- that she had a strong partner in my father, that their marriage was standing the tests of time. Perhaps she knew that her grandchildren were continuing the family legacy into the next generations, with promises of more to come. Who knows what visions she was shown, what words were whispered between the veil to persuade her that it was time to come home -- that it was okay to go ... but suddenly that afternoon she was gone from our lives with as little fuss as she could have desired.

Tempering our immediate grief was our relief that her earthly struggles were at an end. That her pain was relieved, and her independence and health restored. We were joyful in knowing that she was reuniting with those family members that preceded her, some of those that had come to her in the aftermath of the accident and some, like her mother, who had visited her more recently.

Considering how close it was to her anniversary, I would like to think that Grandpa Jack was there to welcome her too, bringing the grin back to her face.

The rest of the evening of the 27th was a blur. With the long wait over, the next steps of the journey had to be started. Those of us in the North quickly packed suitcases and cars for the long night's drive from CT to NC. In the South, cousins, nephews, and nieces went to be with Ollie at the facility until the funeral home could come and begin their process. By family consensus, it was agreed that the Western brothers and wives would stay home, as they had said their farewells years earlier, and neither work, nor budgets could accommodate a holiday trip. Ollie's able-bodied Utah siblings coordinated their schedules to come honor their eldest sister.

Night passed on to day. Grandmary and Grumpa Max took turns driving south while I dozed on and off in the backseat. Highways and thoughts passed by in a blur. Remembrances. What ifs. Different questions never posed or answered. So many things went flashing past, just like the lights from other night travelers, all mixing with tender thoughts, gratitude, and grief.

We arrived in NC as the next business day began and it felt like we went straight to the funeral home.

Grandma was nothing if not practical so arrangements had long been organized and documented, sparing us the stress of anticipating her desires. Some rituals still needed to be handled, however, like the writing of an obituary, contacting the local papers, selecting floral arrangements, gathering family from the airport, and the inevitable rounds of phone calls. Grandmary may have been the only child and heir, but Ollie was the matriarch of an extensive clan, and a community member of long-standing. Since the Farm House was being rented out, courtesy calls to friends and family members needed to be organized, and the rock and talks scheduled.

Formal viewing hours saw kin gathering from across the South and the West, reuniting family and friends, often necessitating an oral recitation of family genealogies, explanations of degrees of cousinship, and the reuniting with family from Grandpa Jack's side of the family. I'm not so sure Ollie would have appreciated all the flowers and fuss, but everyone gathered in a testament to her, her quiet fortitude, her community service, and her family leadership.