Retro Ramblings

In my “memory boxes,” I found a copy of one the articles I had written for my high school newspaper. I had forgotten I was even part of the paper staff during my senior year, which isn’t completely surprising; I had about 13 extra curricular activities that year. Long before I had written about May-itis, I had written about schoolitis and senioritis.

Students succumb to boredom
Humor by [Auntie Nettie]

How many of you have been cursed with the droopy-eyed blues? Does your teacher have monotone voice syndrome? Do you find yourself gradually drifting off into another world during most of your classes? If you have answered “yes” to any of these questions, then you suffer from schoolitis boredusperpetualis, more commonly known as “boredom.” The most common symptom of schoolitis is seen as napping through important lectures and class discussion. Doctors, parents, and teachers have found that schoolitis only lasts from the hours of 8:00 a.m. until approximately 1:55 p.m. excluding the passing times [time between classes], lunch, and assorted study halls.

Students in the twelfth grade are afflicted with a mutant strain of this illness, known as senioritis gradualis. Students with this illness suffer from symptoms such as I-don’t-care attitude, flippant remarks, late nights doing absolutely nothing, teasing and molesting underclassmen noticeable is the ancient rite of “Freshmen Initiation” which originated with the first high school), and a frenzy of trying to fill out college applications the day before the deadline. The severity of each case varies from person to person, and doctors have yet to find one twelfth grader in America that does not suffer from this ailment.

When asked about her feelings on senioritis and schoolitis, {anonymous senior} could not be reached for comment. It seems she was visiting La La Land and the only semblance of a reply was a faint “ZZZZZZZZ.”

Quite often a student’s environment is conducive to schoolitis. Droning voices, overheated rooms, lack of interest, lack of sleep, and a comfortable position are all factors that students mention when asked what makes them sleep in class.

When asked if she ever suffered from schoolitis and why, {another anonymous senior} said, “Yes, last year there was one class I always slept in. I think it was because my body got used to always sleeping at that time.” Another American student struck down by this dread disease.

There seem to be many different ways to hide the fact that you suffer from schoolitis. Girls with long hair report that they hide their face (especially the eye region) in their hair and their teachers never know the difference. Boys report that they try and sit at the back of the classroom to escape detection. Hats, hiding-the-face-in-the-hand routine, slouching and the ever subtle head-on-the-desk-hide-behind-your-neighbor-and-wake-me-up-when-the-bell-rings technique are all the most commonly reported methods that students use.

Sometimes the teachers take pity on their classes, and they show a filmstrip. What American high school student has not cheered when presented with this “holiday?” (Seriously, who watches those things? After all, who really pays attention to 20-year-old filmstrips on ancient history?) Obviously, looking at some of the grades in classes where filmstrips and videotapes are shown exclusively, not many people are awake during this given “naptime.”

Have you ever looked around your classroom and noticed that you are the ONLY person besides your teacher still awake? Congratulations!! You are not cursed with this disease.

If you have the cure to schoolitis boredusperpetualis, please contact the nurse as soon as possible. It seems that there has been an outbreak of the illness and more and more cases of page face (a very curious side ailment where the imprint of the page that the student has slept on is seen on the face) are being reported and the nurse is getting desperate. Please rush to the health center as quickly as possible. It seems that I too have just come down with schoolitis and am faced with the question of whether to “ZZZ” or not to “ZZZZ … zzz …z.”