Recently I had the wonderful occasion to watch a bright, inquisitive,
brave little 8 year-old as part of her first visit to NY.
I say brave because the City is hard on introverts -- which,
it turns out, we both are -- as is meeting new people. I don’t know who was
more nervous about this visit, the 8 year-old or the forty-something. (Probably
me, I had longer to think about it.) I’ve gotten better about meeting new
people, but man … this City – can really just take it out of you if you have to
deal with it on a daily basis. Given that, most of our “activities” in the City
actually involved just hanging out at my office for a few hours for some “downtime.”
Honestly, it was for both of our benefits.
My little friend has the advantage of the adults around
her already knowing about and reading the book by Susan Cain about introverts.
I wish that this had been around when I was her age. It would have helped “my”
adults and me so much over the years. Instead, I had to find my own ways to
navigate the various situations I found myself in, and learn how to deal with the people in my
life. It has made me think about some of my various family members, about three
generation’s worth, and be better able to understand some of their personality
traits a little better. It definitely will affect how I interact with some of
my nieces and nephews – my little friend’s contemporaries.
I was thinking about how to explain to her how I cope in
the City – if it came up. It’s hard to articulate. It’s even hard to explain to my
friends and family why sometimes, I just have to hole up in my Attic, lock the
door, and not talk to, or emerge from my space for a day, or days, at a time. (It’s
even harder to explain to your employers about your need to work in
semi-isolation, to be undisturbed, or to try and have at least 1 or 2 days a
week when you would just love to not have a freaking meeting already … Or why
you end up doing more work from 5-8 p.m. when the office is “closed” and
everyone is gone. It’s a good thing our sick days don’t require doctor’s notes.
Mental health days are not made-up. They are real necessities for some of us.)
Commuting into, and/or living in, Manhattan is both a
blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you can be camouflaged and absorbed into
anonymity. You can go to movies by yourself, eat at a bar or counter by yourself,
and take advantage of the many offerings the City has to the extent you desire –
by yourself. On the other hand, from the sheer volume of noise generated by
automatic announcements on the mass transit system, to the incursion into
personal space in the commute, to the forced social interactions in the
workplace, not to mention the sensory overload of, well -- everything -- it gets
to be … a bit draining.
So I’ve learned how to deal over the years and have built
up a tolerance – to a degree. I’m more aware of my triggers and am getting better
about articulating what I need from, and at, work, and have learned coping
mechanisms, including mediation and visualization techniques. Like visualizing my own
personal shield bubble.
Imagine it’s like this. Imagine you are at the center of
an all-encompassing bubble. Depending on the situation, the bubble is either
extended or constricted around you. Even if you are crowded on the subway, with
people up in your space, YOU know the shield bubble wall is there between you and the
person in your space. It is keeping you safe. The people “bounce” off it – the bumps
and jostling doesn’t actually touch YOU. (Even if you do get accidentally punched
in the chest.) Everything is not quite “there” as much. The noise and the glare
and the people can’t hurt you – as much. [In the physical world, manifestations
of your shield could include your ear buds, sunglasses, and large messenger
bags. Sometimes you have to wear the ear buds and sunglasses in your office
too. But then you add Do Not Disturb signs.]
It may be an illusion, but the illusion is needed to
function. We introverts all do what we need to do to function in this world.
But the reality is … that each interaction starts to
erode our ability to function. Our coping mechanisms get weaker when we are out
and about too much. We need quiet time, in our own environments. Imagine the shield
is powered down and recharging – like your phone needs to. Sometimes that
recharging means shutting the rest of the world out, closing a door, turning
off a phone, shutting out distractions, and just being by yourself. Sometimes
that recharging means going to another “happy place” with a change of scenery, etc.
(like me and a beach.) There’s nothing “wrong” with us – it’s just how we
operate. The recharge could only be an hour or two, overnight, or a weekend, or
even longer. It is going to depend on how you operate and/or how eroded your
coping mechanisms might be.
New York City is probably one of the most extroverted
places on earth, aside from a theme park … and it would seem to be counter-intuitive
that introverts are able to manage here. But, we can and we are. In our own
ways.
It can be hard to be a daughter of an extrovert, but
sometimes mothers know what their daughters will need to learn. My mother also first
introduced me to New York sometime after I was 8. She, too, pushed me to
explore new places, introduced me to new people, and gave me the tools to start
building up my coping mechanisms for the world.
But it’s still hard. And I’m still learning. From lots of
people and by trial and error.
I’m just glad, in this case, I could be a slightly less
extroverted Auntie Mame for my little friend.
Hopefully I didn’t scare or scar her too much.
Now, if you will excuse me, all this self-presentation is
making me need to go off-line and reboot my protection shields.
Powering
down...
Over and out.
