Farewell to Flora / Funeral Program

The text from the funeral program:

In loving memory of

Flora C. Morgan Tillery

Dec. 29, 1925 to Aug. 11, 2014

Farewell to Flora

Honored Mother, Beloved Grandmother, Cherished Friend

Presiding: President Dean Witt

Conducting: Bishop Pauline

Organist: Tyler Howell

Chorister: Nyla Tillery

Opening Hymn: Page 295 Love at Home

Opening Prayer: Torianna Deason

Welcome by Bishop Pauline

Musical Number Families Can Be Together Forever

by grandchildren and great-grandchildren

Accompanist: Carolyne Tillery

Memories of Grandma: Lis Noyes

Eulogy: Lurane Van Nortwick

Poem Words of Wisdom from Grandma

Reading by Chris Tillery

Speaker: Wayne Tillery

Musical Number: Luke and Chrystal Tillery

Poem Memories of Mother

Reading by Myriah Tillery

Spiritual Thought: Preidesnt Dean Nelson

Closing Remarks: Bishop Pauline

Closing Song: Page 152 God Be With You

Closing Prayer: Lee Maxfield

Travel to Graveside Services Following our Chapel Meeting

Pall Bearers: Flora's Grandsons, (listed by age)

Eli Hallack, Gabriel Hallak, Carl Noyes, Warren Schroeder, Any Van Nortwick, Jason Randolph, Daniel Hallak, Patrick Tillery, Brian Tillery, Luke Tillery, Justus Tillery, Chris Tillery, Tommy Tillery, Tyler Tillery,
Connelly Tillery, Axel Deason

Internment:

Clovis Cemetery

305 North Villa Avenue

Clovis, CA 93612

Graveside Dedication:

Conducting: Bishop Pauline

Opening Prayer: Anngela Schroeder

Remarks: Bishop Pauline

Dedication of the Grave: Wayne Tillery

Closing Song: (see insert for music)*

Closing Prayer: Justus Tillery

"Sorrow forgot, Loves purest joys restored.

Be Still my Soul. When change and tears are past.

All safe and blessed, we shall meet at last."

*not included

Memories of Mother

I wonder if the little path
  Still winds across the sod-
The little, narrow, beaten path
  Where friendly feet have trod,
I wonder if the trumpet wine
  And flowing almond tree
Are blooming along the way
  Just where they used to be.

I wonder if small children's feet
  Are eager still to climb
The old board fence and "cute across,"
  As long ago did mine,
And if the same old kitchen door
  Is standing open wide,
Where eager eyes may catch
  A glimpse of mother's face inside.

Oh little memories like these
  Come creeping in betimes
And sing themselves to little tunes
  And set themselves to rymes.
Just haunting little memories
  That seem to cling and guide
The thoughts along to open doors
  And mother's face inside.

Someday I'll find another path
  Where friendly feet have trod,
That's leading down the valley road
  And o'er the hills to God.
When on those strange eternal shores
  The heavenly gates swing wide,
'Twill just be "Home Sweet Home"
  Once More
With Mother's Face Inside.

Farewell to Flora: Family, Food, and Fotos

Funeral shots and Family courtesy of Grumpa with captions by him:
 

Funeral:

Looking back at the family and friends as Bishop introduced those dedicating grave and closing prayer.
Wayne dedicated the gravesite and one of his sons closed the service there.

Friends meeting friends and Daniel with wife and Wayne’s son next to the Stake President who was Aunt Flora's Home Teacher for years.

Ray and Debbie made it to the Monday service and stayed till Tuesday at 6PM (with Grandmary re-hydrating in the California heat.) [Ray and Debbie are Grumpa Max's cousins from his Uncle Wayne and Aunt Teddy UT side of the family.]

Louie with Angela and Daniel’s wife and baby girl. [Louie was Flora Annie's husband.]

 Funeral Family dinner:

This table was mostly Flora Ann’s kids and grandkids. Gabe, Daniel’s wife, Daniel with baby, Nyla with one of the grandchildren (one of Luke’s I think), Abe with two of his girls, Ray and one I don’t know

Same as before but the two girls are Abe’s: oldest is theirs and other adopted.

This table I shot because Lurane’s first husband, Jerry, and Lisa’s husband Karl were in it.

 Group shot without Pat and his children. Next shot has them in it but I ended up cutting off the left side.

 

 I didn’t count the heads but Aunt Flora has a big family. Only one grandchild and her two children missing, maybe.

Sunday Evening Dinner:
The dinner served about 150 with me just taking a few shots.

Below are family candid shots of some of the 75 kids grand-kids, and great grand-kids that attended that meal.

Above is Lisa in white, Pat's daughter in black, Kyle in blue and his new girlfriend.

Billy (Bill) is in print shirt, Peggy beside him.

 Wayne’s wife, their youngest daughter with a sibling's kid, (Grand)Mary and Louie in background

Wayne’s married daughter and her baby, one of Luke's sons, Wayne’s middle daughter, and another of Wayne’s single sons.

The oldest members of the family staying out of the way. [Editor's note: my brothers made cracks here about faces and red solo cups being appropriate for every family gathering.]

The yard and pool were full of kids. Some of the kids were allowed a Sunday swim and others were not. Doesn’t mean they didn’t get wet.

At this table we had Luke with glasses on head, Daniel, Luke’s wife, Angela with one son and one of Daniel’s adopted girls.

 Tom’s son up from TX without family, Abe getting drinks for his family, another of Wayne’s single sons.

What a legacy!

Farewell to Flora: Flowers for Flora

Frumpa did a great job of taking lots of pictures. Here are some of the floral tributes to his Aunt Flora. 

left: the spray for Aunt Flora from Grumpa, Aunt Jerry, Aunt Cora and their extended families

right: the casket spray, carefully cropped for those of you who are squeamish

Sprays from Flora's family and the grandchildren

Pallbearers were Flora's grandsons

 who then placed their boutonnieres on the casket

 in tribute to their Grandma.

 Final visits to see floral blankets keeping Flora covered

while other family members: husband, father, uncle, brother, sister, aunt, and cousins 

also received tributes from ones who miss them.

Farewell to Flora: Foreboding, Fading, and Fox-trotting Away

Remember my Recipes from series? Wherein I tried out the family recipes from my grandmothers and great-aunts? I have an some update on Aunt Flora of Recipes from Aunt Flora. (I think I need to dig out that cookbook again soon.)

It was only a month ago, when my inbox got got a very sad e-mail from my father. His Aunt Flora, his mother Roa's sister, the last remaining link to that generation of his family tree, was failing faster than expected. Even with the foreboding feelings that had prompted an increase of his visitations to California over the last year and this summer, it was still hard to read things like:

Aunt Flora told [Cousin L] how bad she was feeling and [that she was] passing blood.

Last Monday Aunt Flora was admitted back into hospital where they ended up doing a scope of insides and found cancer cells, and polyp that was bleeding and falling apart. They have her with heavy meds, bringing the bleeding under control, and maybe let her go home Sunday. She has to see Dr. again in two weeks and let them know which of the treatments she is able to follow or stay away from. One is operation now but heart will not let this happen, another is check[ing] again in a year to see what growth it is taking, the third is just let the ten year cycle take its course and stop the bleeding the best they can now.

We talked to Aunt Flora for a few minutes and she is weak, tired, and ready to get out of the hospital again.

[Cousin L] is sure they heart conditions will not allow for an operation now or ever, so she is just taking it a day at a time for right now.

Poor Aunt Flora. She had already been through so much. Been so unhealthy for so long. Suffered from some of the same ailments that afflicted Roa. To have cancer on top of it all? You had to wonder if she would want to fight to stay here any more, or whisper up prayers to those who had preceded her.

I got the following two days later. Two. She passed not even 48 hours after I got the first email. 

We have been talking back and forth all day with Calif. and just finished finding out a few details in Aunt Flora’s passing sometime mid-morning today. 

Seems [Cousin L] was called in to hospital at 1 AM this morning and sat with her mom through the morning. Aunt Flora could not breathe and her lungs gave out in the end. No fluid could be drained so they just made her comfortable. About 3 AM Grandma Roa was with her and they seemed to be at one of the USO clubs having a good old time from the comments and body motions that went on for a couple of hours.  …. There is an email coming maybe that might fill in the blanks for us.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

l-r: Aunt Flora, Grandma Roa, and Aunt Teddy, 3 late, great ladies

Aside:

I cannot truly express how marvelous I think it is to picture my Grandmother Roa and her sister possibly dancing their way over the "veil of shadows." Young, momentarily carefree, pain-free. Based on the few pictures I've seen of them from the WWII era, I can only imagine.

As my Grandma Ollie lingered near the veil, in those days after that accident, her hands were busily quilting away. We know she had visitors. At the actual end, I don't know, yet, how she passed, or who all was with her.

But, at some point, my Aunt Flora and Grandma Roa were together and possibly dancing.

What a way to waltz out.
 
I wonder, when my time comes, if my hands will be busy. Not making typing movements, but banging away on a big black Steinway, playing the glorious music I hear in my dreams but never have played in this life, a Rhapsody in Blue or the Rach 3, or something not yet written. Or  ...

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Fullness of time revealed?

It is my impression that it was important for Grumpa's mission be delayed so that he could visit with his aunt before she passed, and to be able to travel to CA for the funeral and be a witness, documentarian, and to represent Roa's family lines.

Regardless of whether I'm correct, as THIS generation of the family's documentarian, I feel it's important to record and share. Thanks to technology, mass emails can keep family members updated. Photos can be taken and passed around, and obits not overlooked. With thanks to Grumpa for forwarding all these emails on, I record them here, for posterity.

The following, dated August 11, 2014, is a fitting obit and eulogy from Grumpa's cousin Lurane's husband Tom, about his mother-in-law's last days. Only a few minor edits have been made.

Flora C. Morgan Tillery passed away this morning about 8:30AM, August 11, 2014. As most of you know she has needed to visit St Agnes three times in the past 2 months with several different problems that have afflicted her in her advanced years. We have seen many, many miracles, important answers to prayer and blessings offered in her behalf over the past 10 years. But time has a way of catching up to all of us and so it was not unexpected that the frequency of issues, their severity and the necessary trips to the hospital would eventually have a very weakening impact on her overall health and well being. When I was helping her into the car to start this last trip to the hospital, she expressed her appreciation to me for the help, as was her normal way of doing things, but this time it was stated in such a way as to let me know she did not expect to come back to the house. That this in her mind was the last trip she would take to the hospital. While we saw many great miracles performed by the qualified staff, the hospital was her least favorite place to be. She would have much rather sat through three hours of church, than go to the hospital for any reason. She was always ready to go home from the hospital.

Yesterday was somewhat typical of how things have gone lately, as Lurane, with the early shift and later I, had been in and out of the hospital even up to 5 AM this morning. We had gone home for a while at 8:30PM Sunday, but the hospital called us back at 1AM. She was very restless, having trouble breathing and it took a while to get her settled again. We went back home at about 4:30, but the call came again just before 7AM. She was again having difficulty breathing and was experiencing a lot of anxiety as a result. They had transferred her to ICU just after 7AM and were trying to provide needed life support when she passed. It was her wish that she not be kept on any type of life support unless there was a need for goodbyes with family. All of that had been taken care of in recent weeks, so She was ready and willing to go home at the earliest possible time. The veil had been thin all night as we could over hear her talking to her sister, Roa, who had passed away more than 10 years ago. They were as close as any two sisters could have been in this life and while one lived in Ogden [UT] and one in Clovis [CA], they stayed in touch as best they could through regularly scheduled phone calls for all of their adult life. We know and find great comfort in knowing she is in the best of places. There she was undoubtedly greeted by her Father and Mother, Her Husband and 3 of her children. Not to mention her sister, Roa and her brother, Wayne who she adored and missed more than you can imagine.

Grandma had a great pioneer legacy and while she was not always active in her adult life, she was an advocate of the gospel and the gospel teachings. She knew and appreciated that families are forever and she did her best to insure that even here on earth, there was a bit of heaven for her family and their friends, at 1112 Oxford Street in Clovis, Ca.  We will miss her unconditional love of all of us and her wise counsel, especially on how to work together as a family unit. Her greatest strength was keeping everyone pulling together in the same direction, if possible, for each other; and for the whole family. She set a great example for all of us to follow and we will forever refer to the many, many things she taught to all of us in word and deed. We are all fine here and there is no need for food, or meals of any type. We are by nature a grazing group and even now food plans and preparations are underway. But we appreciate the thoughts and prayers of our friends and loved ones in our ward and stake.

We know that Flora was blessed by her great Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers. She like many more in our wards and stake was kept close to the gospel by their consistent visits and their love expressed to her in both words and deeds. She relished their visits and for literally decades it was through those faithful members of the Clovis 1^st Ward, the Dry Creek Ward, and later the Orchard View Ward that she remained connected to the teachings and promptings that can only come through the spirit, delivered in full measure by those who possess that spirit and teach with that spirit. They did that great work each month in her home for more than 40 years. During much of that time she rarely if ever attended church until the combination of those great Home Teachers and Visiting Teachers and the promptings she received from family members, even a granddaughter caused a great change in her heart and gave her the needed courage to move forward. 

... And so it was to be that in her 84^th year she did indeed prepare herself to have and use her own temple recommend. She was helped in that process by a loving Bishop and Stake Presidency. There she did kneel over the alter of her temple and place her aged, soft hands into the hands of her son. [Editor's note: She was sealed to her husband.] ... and in subsequent ordinances ... each of her deceased and recommended living children were sealed to her and her chosen mate, Marion Luther Tillery.

We have seen and have been truly blessed by her great example. By her love of our Father In Heaven. By her love for each of her children, their wives and husbands, their children and now children's, children’s, children. 3 sons and 3 daughters call her mother. 24 married children call her Grandma Tillery. 39 children call her Great Grandma Tillery and there are 9 children who are her great, great grandchildren. Now add in all the spouses, their siblings, the parents of the spouses, their friends and ward members, each impacted by her life and example and you get a sense of the blessings she provided to so many. What can one person do? More than we can possibly imagine, especially when they are constantly doing good.

Many of our family members will be gathering. We will be gathering to remember, teach and learn; and that is how she would want it. The funeral is likely going to be held next Monday at 10 AM at the North Stake Center. She will be buried in the Clovis Cemetery on Villa, next to her Husband, Marion Tillery, her first son Pat and very near her second oldest daughter, Janean. All is as it should be. We must all face and or deal with this temporal death situation. It is part of the plan. This temporary separation has occurred before as Grandma Tillery left the pre-existence and came here before we did and  we missed her then as we will miss her now.

The time will come quickly when we will all be together and hopefully each will be well prepared to qualify for the greatest blessings and gifts our Father In Heaven can bestow upon us. That of Eternal Life and Exaltation, coupled with eternal progression, inseparably connected together to this wonderful family we love and cherish so much. That is how I know of the perfection of this plan, the Savior’s Plan. He and our Heavenly Father loves us so much that they want us to have and hold onto these ever expanding relationships as part of our lives, forever and ever and ever. What a plan. What an opportunity for each of us if we make needed choices and live as we have been commanded to live.

Thank you for your love of us, for your support and friendship for us and for Grandma Tillery. She loved her ward members, her home teachers, her visiting teachers and especially her Priesthood Leaders. Thank you for making this important time of her life so meaningful and so prosperous for and to the benefit of her and all of her posterity. We are much blessed by all of you and all that you do.

Tom

More on our family Farewell to Flora to follow.

Auntie Nettie's Attic Merchandise 2012 - May

The month of May can be summed up as Momentous.

I had to take a blogging break just to keep up with the craziness that was going on off-line. From things from one extreme to another, the whole circle of life was represented--the miraculous, the mundane, the marvelous, the murky, the maddening .... things that made me want to sing like an operatic mezzo in one moment and to commit murder while screaming MERDE MERDE MERDE at the next.

There's a lot that I still can't talk about, things at both end of spectrum, but while that was all swirling around, I still managed to:

~ Work way the heck too much (which certainly didn't help while I was trying to deal with everything else going on). The stress situation with work has not changed, so what else can be said that hasn't been said before? I'm going to have to be the one that has to change things, and if you know me, you know I hate change. So .... um... yeah. Viscous cycle. Trying to deal with that.;
~ Go to a wonderful documentary, First Position, about a dance competition. Watching a documentary about dance in the company of dancers is odd. You don't know why they are commenting -- Is it complimentary? Jealousy? Cattiness? What do I know? It looked lovely to me.;
~ Rented an adorable Scottish indie with the Doctor, I mean David Tennant, called The Decoy Bride, and now I really want to travel to the Isle of Hegg and/or just listen to people with accents read anything. (Seriously. I would listen to the phone book being read if it's in a brogue. When does Brave come out?);
~ Have "A Day of Drama" (trademark pending) with Ms. Emily and Ms. Wendy in NYC, with an afternoon of Shakespeare, which did nothing to Tame the Shrew, especially if you don't feed a teenager on time or let her play in the Park;
~ Have a Quicky RoadTrip to CT wherein:
- My home-sickness was temporarily abated;
- I took my dam self to a dam place, as well as explored other places and did some retail therapy;
- I got to see my brother from another mother, his wife - a NYC travel buddy, and their kids; but
- Most importantly, I mourned with my sister from another mister and her family, upon the loss of their father, husband, and grandfather, participating in the rites and rituals of surrounding a such a momentous loss, and helped where I could.
P.S. Parkinson's SUCKS. RIP Mr. Neuger;
~ Drove back to NY in the wee small hours of the morning, so I could get over the river to help out at a Service Shower: a non-gift baby shower for a friend due with her third child/son wherein 3 adults and 2 children descended upon her home and proceeded to tape off and paint the converted large attic of her husband's family home-- and event that also included food, gabbing, some kvetching, lots of water, children running around, plus cats and dogs trying to get in and out of spaces;
~ Enjoy the freedom of having a car to do major shopping runs and explorations, but being glad to return it and not having the responsibility of insurance, parking, maintenance, etc.;
and finally,
~ Spend time at the "alma mater" doing a "trunk show" for Auntie Nettie's Attic and talking to the girls.

With all that going on, I only managed to complete the following:

ANA 2012-31: Color Block Scarf
(2 skeins Plymouth Yarn, Eros Drifters, Color 410, nylon)

ANA 2012-32: Pretty Pastels Scarf
(2 skeins of KFI Dazzle, Color 119, nylon)

Still in Progress:

2010: The same dang afghan that I haven't finished since 2010, and if you don't know what it looks like by now, just scroll back a month (or year) or two and you'll see photos. 

2011: Red Chenille Scarf - which I'm going to unravel and use for something else. I don't like the way it is working up.

2012: Pink sport yarn worked with skeins of white chenille
(as of 11/2012, no longer available, donated to Hurricane Sandy relief)

The etsy.com shop is open. Really, it is. I am a horrible marketer. Just as I was about to take new photos for the site, I dropped Ms. RubyNikon and that was the end of that idea for a while.

I actually seem to do better with "train shows" -- aka trunk shows except I haul bags and bags of stuff on the train from place to place and people stock up on stuff. That being said - go to the site.

If you DO see something you like on here, please e-mail for me sizes and prices. If you are local, delivery/s&h arrangements can be made.

Funeral Program for Ollie J - Dec. 30, 2004

A Service in Loving Memory of Ollie J

Funeral Service
11:00 a.m. Thursday, December 30, 2004
Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints
With Internment to follow in local family plot with husband

Prayers and Remarks by:
Cousins, Son-in-Law, Sister, Nephews-in-Laws, Nephews, Bishops, Former Bishops
Pallbearers: Nephews, Great-Nephews, Cousins

Ollie J
January 20, 1915 to December 27, 2004

A native of Wayne County (NC), Ollie was the daughter of the late Charlie and Bertha and was the widow of Jasper (Jack). She was a home-maker and a farm wife. She was a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

She is survived by her daughter Mary and her husband L.C. (Max) of Connecticut; her grandchildren, [Auntie Nettie] of New York; Jed (Max) and his wife Kelli of Nevada; and J and his wife Christina of Utah; her sisters, Shirley, Ruby and Dorothy of Logan, Utah, and Martha of Ogden, Utah, and her brother, Henry of Hampstead, NC.

She was preceded in death by a sister Betty and a brother, Hyrum.

“God saw that you were getting tired
and a cure was not to be.
So He put His loving arms around you
And whispered, “Come with me.”
With tearful eyes we watched you suffer.
We saw you fade away,
Although we loved you dearly,
We could not make you stay.
A golden heart stopped beating,
Hard working hand were put to rest,
God broke our hearts to prove to us
He only takes the best.”


God looked around his garden
And found an empty space.
He then looked down upon this eath
And saw your tired face.
He put his arms around you,
And lifted you to rest.
God’s garden must be beautiful,
He always take the best.


He knew that you were suffering,
He knew you were in pain.
He knew that you would never,
Get well on earth again.
He saw the road was getting rough,
The hills were hard to climb.
So He closed your weary eyelids,
And whispered, “Peace by thine.”
It broke our hearts to lose you,
But you did not go along.
For a part of us went with you,
The day God called you home.

While Grandma Ollie had long had her funeral planned, I think even she realized that funerals are really for the living and that sometimes plans have to change. Grandmary made a few important changes to the service. At one point in my life, when I was a more accomplished pianist, the plan was that I was to perform something. (I'm sorry. It's hard enough to expect people to speak coherently at a loved one's funeral, but to perform?) As years passed and I stopped performing, I knew that this would be less likely, but I lived in fear that I would still have to participate in other ways. I knew that I would most likely be the only grandchild at the funeral, having to represent my brothers and their spouses, so I was also petrified that I would have to speak. Not only would this have been odd, but not quite fair. Grandma Ollie acted in loco grandparentis to many of her siblings' grandchildren, and, in many ways, was closer to them.

Fortunately, I was not called upon to speak in favor of people who knew her better and longer, and in different aspects of her life. Aunt Ruby represented her siblings. Nephews, cousins, and great-nephews acted as clergy and pallbearers. And then Grumpa Max spoke for Mom and the grandchildren. Songs were sung. Tears were shed. Comfort was shared.

The funeral was followed by a simple graveside service, with dedicatory prayers, flowers, and family. Ollie was buried in the family plot next to Grandpa Jack, near her parents, siblings, and very near the old family homestead. Respects were give to us, but I slipped away for a moment or two to clean off Grandpa Jack's footstone and to make sure Aunt Rachel's plot was clean.

North Carolina winters are raw and cold, so it was wonderful to return to church where the good Southern church ladies had prepared comfort food to warm and sooth the soul. Forget what you've eaten in Southern buffets, or what's being passed off in other places, true "soul food" is food prepared and served in tribute and in service of one who has also toiled, served, and been loved.

Post Script:

When I started the Grandma Recipes and Letters project earlier this year, I had a sense of the timing of these entries. I had remembered losing Grandma Roa at Easter and Grandma Ollie at Christmas. The more I really look at the dates, and think about histories, connections, and my link in the cosmic chains, the more I appreciate and begin to understand Roa, Ollie, and our places in the time line.

If I had started January 2010 with the letters, this would have been a logical subject and year conclusion. However, there are a few more months of letters yet to post, and in a way, I'm glad. I've found that I'm not ready to stop writing about these women quite yet. I have more recipes to test, through them more relationships with aunts and cousins to cultivate and grow, more branches of both sides of the family tree to climb through, and, by extension, more to learn about myself.

As ever, by placing all of this information up on the blog, I hope these entries can provide the nieces and nephews with a glimpse of their Auntie Nettie, her past, and give them an appreciation of their remarkable relatives.

Obituary for Ollie J - Dec. 29, 2004

Adapted from the obit that appeared on December 29, 2004 in the local newspaper.

Ollie [J], 89, formerly of [The Farm], died Monday at Britthaven Nursing Home.

The funeral will be held Thursday at 11 a.m. at the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, of which she was a member, with Bishop Rex Howard presiding. Burial will be in the Thomas Ruffin Aycock Cemetery in Nahunta.

Mrs. J was a native of Wayne County and was the daughter of the late Charlie and Bertha. A homemaker and farm wife, she was the widow of Jasper.

Her survivors include one daughter, Mary, and her husband, Max, of Conn.; three grandchildren, [Auntie Nettie] of New York, Jed of Nevada, and J of St. George, Utah; four sisters, Shirley, Ruby, and Dorothy of Logan, Utah, and Martha of Ogden, Utah; and one brother, Henry of Hampstead.

She was preceded in death by a sister, Betty, and a brother, Hyrum.

The family will receive friends today from 6 until 8 p.m. at Seymour Funeral Home.

In lieu of flowers, memorial donations may be made to Kitty Askins Hospice Center, 2402 Wayne Memorial Drive, Goldsboro, N.C., 27534.

Affected Anniversaries

Happy Anniversary Grandmary and Grumpa Max!

December 27th is not only Grandmary and Grumpa Max's anniversary, but it is also the anniversary of Grandma Ollie J's passing.

As has previously been alluded to in earlier posts, the last years of Ollie's life were impacted by the results of serious accident that she was in in 199X. Coming that close to death at that time, her extended family considered the last few years with her to be a gift.

Ollie's health never truly recovered. In addition to her usual susceptibility to colds and bronchitis, Ollie's physical capabilities were further diminished by age, ailments, and lack of oxygen saturation which affected her ability to live independently. Over the years, Grandmary had been making more frequent trips from CT to move her mother from Aunt Dorothy's house in UT, then back to NC to move her to The Trailer, and then to a rehabilitation center and then to a series of care facilities. The later moves were brought on because Ollie had been getting more and more confused and falling more frequently. Sadly, we were beginning to realize that it was only a matter of time until a final move.

The year had already seen one milestone with Grandma Roa passing over Easter weekend. As Thanksgiving and Christmas 2004 approached, there was an impending sense that something was in the wind.

To be completely morbid, I hadn't gone on any vacation for the previous few years without a set of funeral/church-appropriate clothing tucked into my suitcase. Both grandmothers' declines were slow, but everyone in the family knew that dramatic turns for the worse could/would happen at any moment. My employers knew of the situations so they weren't completely unaware that I might have to leave town and/or change plans at a moment's notice.

Christmas Break 2004 saw me heading up to the folks' house in CT for the holiday rather than traveling westward that year. Jed and Kelli stayed in Nevada as Drew was due in a few weeks and Jed had to work. For the first time since their honeymoon, J and Christina came in to town, to share in New England holiday. The usual rites and rituals of the season saw us running errands, talking to friends and neighbors, calling the family around the country, and opening presents. No one really made extensive plans away from the home base, beyond a very cold trip to Boston. We all hunkered in to be together until it was time to take J and Christina back to the airport the day after Christmas.

It was a fun, yet intense visit. Overlying all of the merriment, however, was a sense of sadness. Just before we kids came to town, Grandmary had just gotten back from a difficult NC trip, where she had to move Ollie yet again, and had to consult with doctors and caretakers, and she was tired and stressed about the situation.

As we all caught our breath in the days after Christmas, it was as if we were waiting for something to happen.

December 27, 2004 was Grandmary and Grumpa Max's 37th anniversary. Even if their children didn't make a big deal out of their anniversary, they would usually at least go out for a movie or dinner. That year, I don't even think they went out for a meal. Rental movies were secured, and an evening at home was on the schedule.

When the phone rang late in the evening, it was as if we knew that that was going to be "the call." The sound on the television was muted as Grandmary got up to take the call.

And then we got the news.

Ollie had lived a good long life, and at last, she had slipped away -- on her terms and on her time frame.

Perhaps, on some level, Ollie was aware of the date. Perhaps she knew that in time, Mom would be fine -- that she had a strong partner in my father, that their marriage was standing the tests of time. Perhaps she knew that her grandchildren were continuing the family legacy into the next generations, with promises of more to come. Who knows what visions she was shown, what words were whispered between the veil to persuade her that it was time to come home -- that it was okay to go ... but suddenly that afternoon she was gone from our lives with as little fuss as she could have desired.

Tempering our immediate grief was our relief that her earthly struggles were at an end. That her pain was relieved, and her independence and health restored. We were joyful in knowing that she was reuniting with those family members that preceded her, some of those that had come to her in the aftermath of the accident and some, like her mother, who had visited her more recently.

Considering how close it was to her anniversary, I would like to think that Grandpa Jack was there to welcome her too, bringing the grin back to her face.

The rest of the evening of the 27th was a blur. With the long wait over, the next steps of the journey had to be started. Those of us in the North quickly packed suitcases and cars for the long night's drive from CT to NC. In the South, cousins, nephews, and nieces went to be with Ollie at the facility until the funeral home could come and begin their process. By family consensus, it was agreed that the Western brothers and wives would stay home, as they had said their farewells years earlier, and neither work, nor budgets could accommodate a holiday trip. Ollie's able-bodied Utah siblings coordinated their schedules to come honor their eldest sister.

Night passed on to day. Grandmary and Grumpa Max took turns driving south while I dozed on and off in the backseat. Highways and thoughts passed by in a blur. Remembrances. What ifs. Different questions never posed or answered. So many things went flashing past, just like the lights from other night travelers, all mixing with tender thoughts, gratitude, and grief.

We arrived in NC as the next business day began and it felt like we went straight to the funeral home.

Grandma was nothing if not practical so arrangements had long been organized and documented, sparing us the stress of anticipating her desires. Some rituals still needed to be handled, however, like the writing of an obituary, contacting the local papers, selecting floral arrangements, gathering family from the airport, and the inevitable rounds of phone calls. Grandmary may have been the only child and heir, but Ollie was the matriarch of an extensive clan, and a community member of long-standing. Since the Farm House was being rented out, courtesy calls to friends and family members needed to be organized, and the rock and talks scheduled.

Formal viewing hours saw kin gathering from across the South and the West, reuniting family and friends, often necessitating an oral recitation of family genealogies, explanations of degrees of cousinship, and the reuniting with family from Grandpa Jack's side of the family. I'm not so sure Ollie would have appreciated all the flowers and fuss, but everyone gathered in a testament to her, her quiet fortitude, her community service, and her family leadership.

Funeral Program for Roa S - April 13, 2004

In Memory of Roa Sarah

Born: August 29, 1918
Died: April 7, 2004

Beloved wife of

Junious (June)

He preceded her in death in 1964

Dedicated Mother of

Lee (Max), Jerry, and Cora

Grandmother of

7 Grandchildren*, 7 Great-grandchildren, and 2 Great-great-grandchildren

Graveside Memorial Services
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Ogden, Utah

Dedication of Grave

Son Lee (Max)

Casketbearers

[Lee’s sons] Jed and J; [Cora’s sons] Ray and Clint; [Jerry’s son-in-law] Danny;

[Great-grandson] Dee J; [sons-in-law] Jack and Kevin

*Including Uncle Jack's daughter Pam and her kids

Funeral Reminisces

While Grandma didn’t want a funeral, we did hold viewing hours at the local funeral home. Aunt Jerry had tended to Grandma, making sure that her hair, makeup, and nails were just so. In her vibrant suit, Roa looked quite lovely and at peace. It was quite touching to see the many tributes and visitors that came to give their respects. It was also good to see my cousins and their families, and to meet the newest of Roa’s great-grandchildren, my cousin Clint’s infant son, Chance. My father’s extended family came into town from California and Utah – lots of his cousins, while some of my mother’s aunts came down from Logan.

Prior to moving to the graveside for internment, we had a private meeting for immediate family. As patriarch, Dad presided over the farewell, the casket closing, and the graveside dedication. Casket bearers were three generations of her descendants, and it was strange to see how solemn the “boys” all were, uncomfortable in their duties, their funeral clothes, and with the responsibilities.

Once we got to the cemetery, we truly got to realize how lovely the day was. It was a typical spring Utah day, with clear blue skies, fluffy clouds, and a light breeze. The spring flowers were up, the trees were in bloom, and many floral tributes at other graves added splashes of color to the area. The hillside had an exquisite view of same mountain range that had looked over Roa during the years that she lived in Ogden.

There were a few weird and wonderful moments to the day. I truly believe that animals are more aware of things than most people give them credit for. A pair of unleashed dogs had been roaming around the grounds, but seemed to understand the emotions of our ever-growing group as they got closer. One stopped to observe, briefly, before rounding up his companion and moving away at a much more sedate pace. Even the birds seemed to quiet down a bit as the proceeding got underway.

By far, the most peculiar moment came from the heavens. As someone was speaking about Roa’s family, a pair of military jets just happened to fly by on their way to Hill AFD, drowning out his words. The family just smiled once they realized the quirk of the timing. The flyover was just her brother Wayne, a pilot who predeceased her during the Vietnam War, making his presence known.

It was a pretty strange weekend, with emotions and experiences at all ends of the spectrum.

On the one hand, there was the funeral, which was, of course, an emotionally draining event -- cathartic; yet providing some closure.

On the other hand, it was Christina’s birthday. (Happy Birthday Christina!) We made sure that there was cake and a celebration. Thanks to Christina for sharing the day. (Sadly this was not the first time that family events shared the same date.)

On the one hand, it was good to be around so much extended family, from both sides of the family tree. In some cases, it was like slipping back into a familiar fold, or resuming a conversation that just paused, despite it actually being years. The bonds of family and genetics are amazing things.

On the other, it was a bit awkward to be around the cousins again after so many years. We so rarely see each other, and our lives have followed vastly different tracks, that finding common ground is a bit like wading through quicksand.

We did find common ground around the dinner table though. Thanks to the local Relief Society, food was brought in for the family, including the ubiquitous Seven Layer Salad. Nothing like the taste of iceberg lettuce, Miracle Whip, cheddar cheese, and bacon to take one back to one’s childhood. Then my brothers and I had to have our usual dinner at Grandma’s house – Kentucky Fried Chicken, coleslaw, biscuits and mashed potatoes. It was our traditional meal when we went to visit her. Finally, the family meal after the funeral was held at the local buffet, Golden Corral. More biscuits, honey butter, and carbs … and lots of Diet Coke.

It was good to have all the food to provide us energy to take on the difficult task of cleaning out Grandma’s apartment and distributing various items like, paintings, furnishing, etc. I reclaimed a photograph that I had sent her from the Cape, along with some of the letters and materials that I’d sent her over the years. I also got to claim some of the vintage jewelry from the WWII years, while boxes of sundry papers and photos were sent back to CT to be sorted through. It was fun to come across photos of the family when we were younger and mock the hairstyles and fashion, but bittersweet to realize that so many stories passed away with Roa.

I can’t speak for my brothers, but I assume that it was a bittersweet time for them as well. We all know that Grandma loved us, but we were the ones who weren’t there – in quality time or geographic closeness/location – almost everyday. To a certain degree, we were already prepared for this separation. Plus, we have the faith that we’ll see Grandma again, eventually.

For those family members who saw Grandma almost every day, the weekend and funeral must have been much more difficult to endure, the separation more immediate, the loss more painful.

Hopefully by sharing these reminisces, I’ll be able to paint a picture of Roa that brings her back to life a bit … at least until I can talk to her again and fill in all of the mysterious blanks.

Newspaper Obit for Roa S - April 12, 2004

Adapted from the obituary that appeared on April 12, 2004 in the local newspaper.

"Grandma" Roa, 85, passed away peacefully on Wednesday, April 7, 2004 surrounded by her family.

Roa was born August 29, 1918 in Mt. Emmons, Utah to Ira Roy and Lula Annie.

She married Junious November 2, 1938 and he preceded her in death in 1964. She was also preceded in death by her parents and her brother Wayne.

She is survived by her three children, Lee aka Max and his wife Mary, living in Connecticut; Jerry and her husband Jack of Ogden, Utah, and Cora and her companion Kevin of Syracuse, Utah; seven grandchildren*; seven great-grandchildren; and two great-great-children; her sister Flora; and two sisters-in-law, Teddy and Laprial.

Roa attended Utah State University for a year. After marriage, Roa and June travelled from coast to coast building radio towers. During WWII, Roa worked in the shipyards of California while the Navy took June across the seas. In 1946 they started their family and moved to Ogden where Roa raised their children and also managed a number of local restaurants. From Sept. 1961 until July 1980, she worked in the Girls Home, located at the Utah State Youth Development Center. From April 1981 to May 1984, Road served as a Senior Companion Volunteer with the Weber County (UT) Department of Aging and Volunteer Services. After her second retirement, she worked in local grocery stores as a product demonstration lady and later helped make assignments to other that did the same service. During her retirements years, she worked on crafts and paintings, and traveled to see family and friends around the country before her health restricted these activities.

Graveside services will be held on Tuesday, April 13, 2004 at 1 p.m. at the local cemetery.

*including my Uncle Jack's daughter Pam and her children

Some of this information I didn't know until I read her a draft of the obit. Grandma Roa was a Rosie? Grandma helped build radio towers? Who knew!? I knew she was a demo lady (I miss demo ladies), but didn't know about the restaurants management.

Sadly, while informative, obits always are too brief to include everything about a person. Things like:

~Roa liked to paint. We have her various oil paintings and ceramic pieces scattered throughout the family. The nativity scene that she did for my folks? This is me putting dibs in for it!
~Roa kept birds -- or the birds kept her, we're not sure. No comments on the birds. They were a bit fowl.
~She liked to have the television on (on a high volume) all the time. She watched The Price is Right, and other game shows, for HOURS. Soap operas? Also a fan. I remember her visiting CT during the hey day of Luke and Laura, and me trying to practice the piano in one room while she watched the soaps in another.
~If you mentioned (just politely, in passing) that you liked something junk food related, say Twix, if she had them on one visit, those Twix would always be around the next time you came.
~If Grandma's front door was open, that meant she was up for the day. Don't try to visit until the door was open and her morning beverage(s) consumed.
~Speaking of beverages, I am the third generation with a bad soda habit. It skipped from Roa, to Grandmary/Mom, to me.
~Roa was an avid reader -- of trashy, trashy, trashy romance novels. She got them through book of the month subscriptions, and they were in piles in her bedroom and in the closets. She would keep them, and they would some how come home with me in later years. It was fun watching Dad squirm as he had to cancel those.
~For someone who didn't like to talk about the past, it was amazing what was squirrelled away in boxes in the closet. Pictures, trinkets, postcards, jewelry, memorabilia - so many stories, so much information - so many mysteries.

You'll note that the was nothing about a funeral here. That was on purpose. Although raised LDS, Grandma Roa wasn’t particularly what you would call church-going religious later in her life, and didn't want a churchy funeral.

Sadly, living as she was in the heartland of Mormonland, there were some things that Roa just couldn’t escape. For the last number of years, she was surrounded by missionaries. She lived below countless pairs of energetic young men who tromped up and down the back stairs in her apartment house. Although ambivalent about my brothers going on their missions, and most memorably stating “I don’t think I like that” about J being sent to Brazil, she did support them. When Dad was first called as Bishop and then as Stake President, she could keep her “end up” with her sisters and their kids, and their various Church positions. While not active, her Relief Society visiting teacher was there for her through the last, tending to our family with meals and a sincere, I believe, show of emotions at the wake.

See, no obit could truly accommodate all of that.

Driving and Spring Cleaning down Memory Lane

As I get older, it seems that time and my memories are starting to play tricks on me. Time seems to be speeding up, while I am slowing down. Just as I’m ready to think about the past, my memories are starting to recede. Trying to remember dates from my personal timeline is difficult. You know that saying on the rearview mirror: “Objects may be closer than they appear?” Well, I never was good with driving in reverse.

For the last few years, as Easter approaches I remember the very difficult holiday weekend we spent in Utah, with all the events leading up to and surrounding Grandma Roa’s funeral. It does strangely appropriate that this important family event happened around Easter – with all its symbolism of rebirth and resurrection.

Since I couldn’t remember the exact date, I spent part of this past Easter weekend sorting through and organizing the piles of letters and materials from my grandmothers. I found the obituary and funeral home program relating to Grandma Roa and verified that it was only six years ago.

On the one hand, I thought it was fewer years than that, and on the other, it does seem longer. Perhaps because so many things have happened to me and to the family since then?

I do think there was something poignant in Grandma passing on Easter weekend. LDS/Mormons do not have the pageantry around Easter like some faiths, but we do but great stock in what the holiday is all about: sacrifice, remission of sins, resurrection, and reuniting after periods of separation. The emphasis for us in on Easter Sunday, not bunnies, candy, eggs, or 40 days of something followed by a Fat Weekday.

As for this “gray sheep,” I worshiped this past weekend with and in Nature, and with a personal spring-cleaning ritual, bringing me closer to the Spirit of Elijah.

Although it may seem like forever to those of use here on this plane, I do believe that we’ll have a chance to see our loved ones again. Now that I’ve been rereading all of the letters and advice from my grandmas, I have more questions for them now than I did growing up. Between being young and busy, too reticent to dig too deeply into family histories, and falsely believing that there “would be time for that later,” I missed too many opportunities to find out things. I look forward to having the opportunity to talk freely with my grandmothers Ollie and Roa, hug my grandfathers Jack and June, and meet my great+ grandparents, not to mention my great-aunt Rachel, and to finally meet my namesake.

I hope you’ll bear with me over the next year or so, as I post various recollections of my grandmothers, their letters to me, some of my letters to them, and ponderings on their passings. Hopefully this will be a jumping off point for other family members to chime in and fill in more of the family history.

Won't you walk with me a while?