Dreaming Out Loud - Camera Shy

Image from here

I used to think the whole concept of The Secret and vision boards was a bunch of new-agey hippy hooey.

I don't know if it's a WASP thing, or a family thing, or a generational thing, or even a "chick" thing, but the whole concept of
a) not appreciating what I already had/have, or
b) asking for anything, or
c) putting into words and/or putting "out there" the fears/desires/what-have-you, or
d) some combination of the above
is kind of a strange thing for me. I mean, other people have absolutely NO problem stepping out, stepping up, and practically SCREAMING to the world what they want, or think they are entitled to receive. Not me. I have to practically have a breakdown before I even admit I need help at work, for goodness sake.  (Um, please bosses? I need staff ... Please and thank you.)

Maybe it's an introvert thing?

Buckets at NRS HQ

I don't know. What I do know, however, is that I'm slowly, very very slowly, beginning to feel comfortable expressing a desire for some of the "extra," non-essential, seemingly silly things that I would like to come into my life. Instead of a "bucket" list - I've decided to Dream Out Loud. 

I know this is working. Case in point ... my need for the seashore. Voila. Day trip to the beach earlier this year, with some of the nicest friends, conditions, and lighting imaginable.

Also, months ago, in a draft of a document that is the ongoing draft of these posts, I entered a couple of notes about travel ... and out of the blue, things are starting to percolate.  But, really, NO ONE knew about things on that list - and suddenly I'm getting text messages that start with:

Do you have a current passport?

More on that later. But, given that, it's hard not to believe in this concept of Dreaming Out Loud.


So THIS post is about one of my biggest issues. Being "camera-shy" - cause *that's* what we'll call it - though it's not really about the camera.

These innocuous things ...

I have an almost pathological fear of being in front of them. Stemming from tweenhood. Body issues. Body dysmorphia. Yada yada yada. Whatever ... I know. But it's bad. Really, really bad.

On a tour of NRS HQ with J in January, we walked into the catalog shoot room. Just seeing these:

started a round of nausea, inappropriate joking, and kicked my fight or flight instinct into high gear.

Don't even get me started on Skype sessions with my family.

I loathe and despise having my picture taken, being on camera, being on film, or digitally captured. I'm trying to be better about it, because there does need to be a record that I was around. Thus the inclusion, over the last few years, of actual pictures of me on this blog and monthly sessions on Skype and FaceTime.

But ...

But ...

J & Christina's "wall"

But if we are being honest: here's the real reason for this month's dream. At my parents' house, there is the "wall." You know the wall. Most families have them like this. The one with the family portraits. The engagement shots. The wedding pictures. The school photos. The family pictures from milestones like reunions, christenings, etc.

Yeah, that wall.

I'm in a few shots of things from over the years. I had to be.

But the only portrait of me is from my college graduation. Almost 20 years ago.

Don't get me wrong. It is, and was, surprisingly, a semi-decent shot. Especially for a yearbook photo that I took with my teeth gritted behind a Mona Lisa smile.

But it's 20 years old.

Aside from my drivers license and passport photos, that's the only portrait of me that exists.

That probably should be rectified. I'm not that girl anymore. (And it wouldn't be helpful in emergency situations.)

But, you remember my little phobia of photos featuring me?

I'm trying not to pass on my issues to the next generation. The kids are not self-conscious; they are adorable and telegenic. They are also growing up with cameras pointed at them almost 24/7.

Me? I see a camera and freeze. And then unfreeze and get totally awkward. Given our society these days, I'm awkward all.the.time ... EVERYWHERE.

So my entry for this entry of Dreaming Out Loud is for help on this issue.

I need to learn how to pose for pictures: full, shoulders up, and head shots. I need to learn how not to freeze, or run away, or worry about how my chin looks. I need to learn which is my better side, how to smile so my chubby cheeks don't make my eyes disappear, or whether to grin, or smile, or what. I also need help with hair and makeup, how to accentuate what is good, bring out the hazel in my eyes and that weird grey ring, and to camouflage what's not so telegenic. How to stand so I look leaner - but please, not with that arm akimbo, leg out, pageant pose that EVERY one seems to be doing.

All so I can ultimately sit for a formal portrait that looks like me – one where I’m not self conscious, that I’m proud of, that doesn’t make me look weird, that will be “timeless” and that gets a glimpse of the glimmer of the self-confident person that is buried deep down in me somewhere.

Something so the kids remember who I was.

So there’s a photo for “the occasion,” if there’s one ever needed.

So I can go up on the wall at my parents' -- and feel like I belong there as part of my beautiful family.

Retroblogging: Fancy Hats are Fascinating

Crafts in Chelsea, October 2012

Due to the recent fascination with fascinators (Thanks Duchess Kate), the booth bedecked with a variety of shapes, colors, and styles of fancies was attracting a lot of attention. From floral clips and posy pompoms, to ribbon headbands, to simple bands with crocheted blossoms, it was like a rainbow of cranium accessories. (I'm sorry Elle, I didn't get you this orange pretty.)

It was the kind of booth where the attendant encouraged us to try on things. So -- Jane and I had to play. With varying results. Granted, I was picking up the most ridiculous things ever to put on my head.

Yeah, I don't think so either. I just can't carry these off in my normal life. A hat like this requires a vintage bell-skirt velvet 1950's cocktail dress and heels, and little handbag. Imagine Queen Elizabeth II in the 1950s.

I'm just not the type of girl to look like a peacock. Wait, let me check...

 Nope. Just won't work in my life.

 Jane, however, looks ADORABLE in her feathered headdresses. 

I can't remember which one she ended  up with, but one of the last two. She can carry them off. I really hope she wore them for her autumnal concerts/Thanksgiving gatherings.

Actually, Jane - being even more English than I am (and I'm pretty English) -- seems to be able to carry off just about any kind of feathered fancy. See? Tiny hat on me? Not so much. Large fly-away feathers on Jane. Super cute!

Hey Jane! Let's go find another craft fair soon and play dress up some more!


(Jenn! Wake up. It's okay. I should have warned you!)

Holiday Traditions: New York Skating, Part 1

One of the more magical things about the holidays in New York is the addition of new recreational opportunities in the City. I've visited Bryant Park many times over the years, but never really spent time at the rink.

Recently, my alma mater had a special Reunion event/skating party at the Citi Pond ice rink and a bunch of us attended. Now, after my experience with the "shark" on Cape Cod, the thought of me on ice sent shivers down the spine of everyone around me. Instead, I lingered as close to the rail as I could and took pictures ... lots and lots of pictures.

The tree and directions.

What would a day at at a skating rink be without a cameo by the ZAMBONI!?

Don't forget to look up. Some gorgeous views of a gorgeous day.

There were some serious fashions on display. HOOO says you can't be fashionable while having fun?

This little fashionista has the skates that I totally need.
Next time, I am going up to the expensive restaurant and watching from the sky box.

One of the unfortunate fashion choices can be seen on the left,
in contrast to the view on the right - which is the correct fashion for the venue.

It was so beautiful, it seemed a shame to stay under cover of the tent.

The only negative to the whole day, besides the fact that it was so freaking crowded on the rink and in the Park that you couldn't go an inch without bumping people, was the strategic placement of Kettle Corn NYC's stand by some turbo ventilation fans. The whole rink and tent smelled of kettle corn, driving people to make many a corny pun. Sweet torture indeed.

If you are going to go skating in Bryant Park, bring your own skates, DON'T go at noon on a Saturday during a beautiful weekend, and do be patient with amateur skaters/photographers/tourists.

Don't text and walk. Don't stop and gawk. Stay to the right of sidewalks, stairs, and don't (for the love of all that is holy) BLOCK THE TRAIN DOORS!

Maker Faire 2011, Part 5 - Fun with Fabrics

My ONLY complaint about Maker Faire this year was the slight under-representation of the traditional handicrafts. I felt like it was heavier on tech and science than previously. In 2010, Martha Stewart, Lion Brand and Red Heart really anchored that section of the Faire. Also, there was a lot more swag last year. However, if you looked, you could find your niche and your loot of buttons, cards, and magazines. Burda Fabric presented sewing demos and Craftzine also was featuring demos and discussions.

Here are some of the crafty highlights.

l: This lovely lady proudly inked herself with a vintage Singer. She also made the most darling dress for Elle. r: Look at the ruching and pining on this dress. It, and the sari featured below, were made by the students at one of the special arts high schools in NYC.

The dress below on the left is one of the creations of Nit Ra Sit (www.nitrasit.com) who combines global diversity with modern designs. This cloth was from Africa, recreated into an intricate gown. She also showed Jane and me two beautiful turquoise tunics made from one Indian sari. We also saw obi cloths transformed into belts and wraps. Gorgeous.

The pins on the right were on the label of the jacket shown below. Further below: It's amazing how iconic some of the Sesame Street Muppet characters truly are. One field of color and some eyes and you know who exactly is hanging out. Say hello to my little friends ... Elmo, Cookie Monster, and Oscar.

l: See Spot. See Spot Run. See Spot be made with a framework, fabric, and some fake fur.

r: Don't let the look on his face fool you. He jumped on the chance to try his hand at the machine. It just jammed and then the little old lady had to help him out. Dude's street cred was shot.

One of the high points for me and Jane was attending a quilting demo by Lish from Craft. She made it seem so simple, I want to crack out Grandma Ollie's sewing machine and my stash of fabric. (Alas, I must get the machine looked at first.) As a bonus? I won a drawing for a vintage out-of-print copy of the magazine.

Maker Faire is great. I keep thinking that I need to get a two-day pass next year. One day you look around and see the sights. Day 2 would be for getting to the lectures and more demos. Also, some of the fun stuff all seems to be at the same time. Two years in a row I didn't get to see the Coke/Mentos explosion. This year there were great fun speakers like John Hodgman and David Pogue, not to mention Crafter extraordinaire Brett Bara - who came in on Sunday. Plus, who knows how much international cuisine will be there for the tasting?

If you have a chance to visit at Maker Faire in your area, I highly recommend that you go.