Concert Etiquette

With thanks to writer Paul Volpe, who takes a satirical look at audience conduct:

"I shall spare you the lengthy rant about the obvious blight of ringing cell phones or the agony of late arrivals stepping on our toes or that awkward moment when you find your orchestra seats being warmed by sheepish looking third balcony hopefuls. That said, let’s review the more obscure yet heinous crimes that might send us fleeing back to our home surround-sound and plasma-screen systems, and far from live performances that require us to be a part of a communal experience.

~Gentlemen, if you must snore, make sure your companion has sharp elbows.

~Fanny packs are never an acceptable “concert” accoutrement, save it for the mall.

~Humming is a crime that is almost forgivable as it’s committed unconsciously. Still, never, ever, hum along with the music – the musicians really don’t need your help.

~Never leave a performance before intermission, unless you are injured and bleeding profusely. While you may be “bloody bored,” those around you are not.

~Ladies, please do not bathe in your Clive Christian No. 1 perfume prior to a performance. Gentlemen, you might want to skip the cologne altogether; you are in close quarters, not the French Quarter.

~Refrain from leaping to one’s feet, zealously clapping and shouting “bravo,” while the rest of us are still waiting to hear the last glorious notes of the aria.

~Dress appropriately. We all know that causal attire is encouraged these days, but let’s keep casual from becoming catastrophic. Shorts and a tank top might be appropriate in Branson, Missouri, the home of country music, but not in Avery Fisher Hall, the Home of the New York Philharmonic. As a young man I would attend such musical evenings wearing a borrowed jacket and dress pants purchased from the Salvation Army. I made an effort despite my “standing room” or “student ticket” status and rose to the occasion on limited funds while showing respect for the performers and fellow audience members.

There is no substitute for a live performance, whether it is ballet, classical, jazz, or soul. Miss Aretha Franklin demands, and gets, what she literally spells out for us – R-E-S-P-E-C-T. And that’s what other audience members and performers on stage deserve from us."

Pet Peeve of the Day – The RSVP

Over the years I have been the hostess of my share of bridal/baby/house warming showers. As part of my duties in the wonderful world of fund-raising, I have also had to organize many, many, oh-so-MANY events. You would think that I would be used to the lack of understanding of the proper response to the receipt of an invitation, but this last party that I’m trying to plan has snapped my last nerve. So today boys and girls, let us talk about the RSVP.

At Dictionary.com we find the RSVP defined as:

RSVPed or RSVP'd, RSVPing or RSVP'ing, noun, plural RSVP's.
–verb (used without object)
1. to reply to an invitation: Don’t forget to RSVP before Thursday.
- noun
2. a reply to an invitation: He sent a lovely bouquet of flowers with his RSVP.
3. (used on an invitation to indicate that the favor of a reply is requested).

[Origin: 1895–1900; F r(épondez) s('il) v(ous) p(laǐt) please reply ]

I have no problem with the definition. It is the application of the definition that people don’t seem to understand. I have gotten more messages that state:

“I would like to RSVP for the …”

You replied. Great. Thank you for actually adhering to the meaning of RSVP, or the “please respond by.” That is wonderfully appreciated. It is SPECTACULAR in fact!

Now, tell me what I really need to know:

Do you need a seat/ticket/name-tag or not?

Are you are actually COMING TO THE EVENT?

I am finally to a point in the numerous voice-message/e-mail/in-person conversations that I have with people that I have them check/state one or the other of the following:

___ YES, I am coming to the event/need a seat/need a place at the table, please;

Or

___ I am sorry that I am unable to attend.

WHAT IS SO FRAKKING CONFUSING ABOUT THIS? You’ve probably been a host for event before. Don’t you remember how hard it is to plan when you don’t know who is, and how many are, attending?

So, please, the next time you get an invitation and are asked to RSVP – THINK about how you are responding.

Thank you.

That is all.

P.S., the “regrets only” tag-lines don’t work either.

Teaching Item of the Week

The next in our almost weekly learning series, brought to you courtesy of The New York Public Library Desk Reference, Fourth Edition.

Can you guess our “theme” today?

Page 343:

In the 10th century, the Grand Vizier of Persia took his entire library with him wherever he went. The 117,000-volume library was carried by camels trained to walk in alphabetical order.

Page 300-301:
Peter Celestine is the patron saint of bookbinders, while St. Jerome is the patron saint of librarians.

Page 357:
Libraries in the U.S. issue more cards than VISA, have more children enrolled in summer programs than Little League, and have more visitors each week than all museums and zoos combined.

If you don't already have a library card (or two or three), GO GET ONE!
Get your children their cards. GO to the library -- use the resources, check out books, check out CDs and DVDs, GO TO STORYTIME, and for heaven's sake, ask the librarians for help! THAT IS WHY THEY ARE THERE!